Boo a Madea Halloween Funny Quotes

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Quotes

• Joe : [knocks out a clown] I don't play this Halloween bullshit!

• Alice : Do you believe that Jesus is the Son of God?

  Madea : If that's what I gotta do, then that's what I'm doing. I believe!

  Alice : And you confess your sins?

  Madea : [looks around the church] In front of all these children? You want me to confess all my sins in front of these men, I can't do that, I'll have them blushing.

  [laughs]

  Madea : You don't know what I used to do back in the day, honey. It wan't no fun. Bam!

  [knocks her breasts together]

• Aunt Bam : Madea, what is a Ho-01K?

  Madea : That's for hoes. That's for all those women that never ever could pay taxes because they got their money illegally, so you put it all to the side. It's not a 401K, it's a Ho-01K. That's what I got from back in the day when I was stripping.

• Kid 2 : [comes up to Madea and Bam] Trick or treat!

  Madea : I'm a trick, she's a treat, now get the hell on.

• Madea : [Tiffany and her friends are being held for Aday's murder] This is what your daddy was trying to tell you, this is what I was trying to make you understand, little girl. Your parents ain't lame because they say 'don't sneak out, don't text and drive', all that stuff is bad and you get people killed.

• Madea : Does your mama know you dress like that?

  Leah : [in a sexy French maid costume] Duh, she picked it out for me.

  Madea : Your *mama* picked that out for you?

  Leah , Rain : Yeah.

  Madea : Damn! Your mama must be one of them Housewives.

• Joe : [after Hattie pops up in a clown costume and Madea hits her] You all right, Hattie?

  Hattie : Hell, no, I ain't all right! She just punched me like a damn dude!

  Madea : You lucky I didn't *shoot* your ass!

• Madea : [hears shallow breathing behind her] What's that breathing?

  Hattie : It's that cloooooown, Ma!

• Madea : I was reading.

  Hattie , Aunt Bam : Reading what?

  Madea : I was trying to read the Bible.

  Aunt Bam : Madea, where is the Bible?

  Madea : It's on the table of my heart.

• Madea : I ain't scared of nothing, I ain't scared of nothing.

  [opens door to the attic, slowly goes up]

  Madea : I've never been scared of anything. I've been big all my life, I *had* to be brave. All my life I had to fight. I just ain't ever planned on fighting in Brian's house.

• Madea : Do you know what I had to do when I was little to get candy?

  Aunt Bam : What'd you have to do, Madea?

  Madea : I had to give up candy to *get* candy, that's what I had to do.

• Brian : [answers door] Madea, hey!

  Madea : [steps in] Hey, there, how you doing, baby? Good to see you.

  Brian : Shh, I'll tell you about it when you go in...

  [sees Joe behind her]

  Brian : You brought my daddy?

  Joe : [entering house] What up, bitch?

  Brian : Daddy, don't use that language in this house!

• Brian : Listen, we have never spanked our children, ever. We didn't do that, we weren't those kinds of parents.

  Hattie : Well that's the problem right there.

  Aunt Bam : That's right.

  Madea : That's right, that's right. Whoop her. Baby, let me tell you something, I'm not telling you to go up there and abuse no child, even though I got a hammer in my purse, I'm just kidding about the hammer.

  [to Hattie]

  Madea : No I'm not.

  [to Brian]

  Madea : But listen, what I'm trying to get you to understand is very very simple, son. Hear me clearly. A little love tap never hurt nobody.

• Hattie : Hey, Brian!

  Brian : Hello, Miss Hattie, how you doing?

  Hattie : Hey, gimme a hug, Brian!

  Brian : [laughs nervously] Oh, no, no, no, I'll pass on that. I'll pass on that.

  Hattie : Why?

  Aunt Bam : You know why. Every time you hug up on him, you thrust your pelvis into his.

  Hattie : What? He a grown-ass man, he can take it.

  Brian : I don't *want* to take it, Miss Hattie.

  Hattie : You can take it if you want it, Brian.

  Brian : I don't want it.

• Aunt Bam : These children today...

  Madea : No, it ain't the children, baby, it's the parents. It's the *damn* parents, the parents I don't understand.

  Joe : That's what it is right there.

  Madea : If the parents were getting in charge of the children here, we wouldn't be having all these issues.

• Madea : Boy, I remember them teenage years.

  [takes out hammer]

  Madea : You got to *drop* the hammer!

  Hattie : Mm-hmm.

  Madea : Drop the hammer on them. Them teenage years, hell. I'm telling ya, I keeps me a hammer.

• Brian : Daddy, you shouldn't have pushed me off that roof, that's all I'm gonna say. You shouldn't have pushed me off that roof.

  Joe : Again, did you die? Nigga?

  Brian : How many times I have to tell you? Stop using that word. That is a *horrible* word. I don't understand why you keep using that word! Stop saying it, it's horrible, it's awful! All these people use it in the music, all these kids are in the club saying it. STOP saying that word!

  Joe : Bitch ass.

• Aunt Bam : I was so worried at my house, you know I'm scared of everything. Scared. Of. Everything. And this Halloween stuff just give me the creeps.

  Madea : She don't like, she don't like Haller-ween.

  Aunt Bam : Mm-mm. Don't like it at all, it just give me the creeps. But now I'm all right, 'cause we all here together

  Madea : All together.

  Aunt Bam : That's right.

  Madea : Together.

• Tiffany : [to Madea and the others] Okay well I'm tired of talking to you old people, so I'm going back upstairs.

  Aday : [to Madea] Nice to meet you.

  [follows Tiffany]

  Joe : There's something inside me that want to go grab that girl and slap the shit out of her, but I'm not gonna do it.

• Tiffany : Look what I brought home from school.

  Joe : What the hell's that?

  Tiffany : It's a ghost board, Grandpa.

  Joe : Get that, get that the hell on out of here.

  Aunt Bam : No ma'am, uh-uh, get that devilment out of here.

  Tiffany : No, it's fun. It's how you communicate with the dead.

  Madea : You heard her, get it on out of here, honey. We don't play with stuff like that. Get that up out of here.

  Tiffany : No, it's fun.

  Madea : I'ma tell you right now, if you open it, that's what you're gonna be. Dead! You gonna be on the other side, honey. We don't play with stuff like that.

• Tiffany : No, it's a card, it says 'Death'!

  [ominous whisper]

  Tiffany : Oh no.

  Madea : Ain't no 'oh no', I'ma tell you right now, y'all children don't understand. Let me make this perfectly clear to you, honey. You don't be playing around, keep playing with the devil, he gonna show up.

• Madea : [to Tiffany] I tell you, don't be playing with me, little girl. That's what you gonna look like, just like that damn skeleton on that card.

  [poses]

  Madea : Doing a pirouette.

  Tiffany : You don't understand, this card is from Mr. Wilson, the man who *died* in this house on Halloween. He killed his entire family and put all of their bodies in the attic, and it's said that every Halloween, he comes back to take a life, and the only place he doesn't go in this house are the bedrooms, because that's where the priests used to sleep when this house was a monastery.

• Hattie : I saw a clown, Ma!

  Madea : You saw a clown? What'd it look like?

  Hattie : A filthy-looking clown! A crazy-looking clown!

  Madea : [nervously] I saw one too!

• Madea : I'm going there and burn that frat house down.

  Reverend : But you just got saved, Miss Madea!

  Madea : Sometimes getting saved is like a bad perm, Reverend.

  [deep manly voice]

  Madea : IT JUST DON'T TAKE!

  [entire church looks on in shock]

• Alice : [Madea's making ghastly noises] The Lord's working on her.

  Madea : No, that's not the Lord, that's these words tryin' come up

  [makes horrible bodily noises, near panic]

  Madea : Don't cuss, Madea, you in a church, don't cuss, Madea... bind you, cussing demon! Cussing demon, I bind you!

• Alice : [in church] You can't smoke in here, Miss Madea.

  Madea : [takes cigarette out of her mouth] Okay, but didn't Moses have a burning bush?

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5325452/characters/nm1347153

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